I still feel lost, like expecting nothing forward. I might look busy, but I know I am not hard working, just waste a lot of time everyday. I had a long list for new dolls, but feel no motivation.

I used to dream that if I could prove myself was good enough, I would have a happy family. Now I realized the problem is not me, but my parents just suck. I will never have the happy family I wanted. It seems too late for me to figure out that. Now I am in my middle 30s, always alone.

I tried, but nothing changed. So I am lost, what’s the meaning of all this. What kind of future should I expect?

“Why?Why?Why!”

“Say goodbye, say goodbye!They are just passing-by.”

From time to time I keep ruminating why I have such a shitty family and parents. But finally, another voice jumps out: They are just passing-by. It is time to say goodbye.

It hurts.

People were getting annoyed with me, ‘why are you so fucking nervous?’

I couldn’t give them an answer. It was too long. My memories were fading, only the sorrow left.

‘Does it worth?’

‘No, I don’t think so. However, I am too proud to pick another choice. This is my sin and I am paying my life for it. ’

Sometimes I feel my life has been wasted. Or itself is just a waste.

Good things did happened, but bad things never changed.

The saddest thing is not that after so many years of hard working, you might not be the extraordinary person you want to be, but realizing that you are even unable to be an ordinary person like others.

When I start to worry about future, I will comfort myself, ‘Don’t worry. You won’t live long enough to go through that.’